Peachy's Web World
What your pets do when you are sleeping...
Dogs come when they are
called. Cats take a message and get back to you later.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
These are excerpts from a Cat Diary...
DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at top of stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...will try this on their bed.
DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm, not working according to plan.
DAY 768 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait...it is only a matter of time.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill &.... Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
Subject: Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom, but I can not think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat really didn't give a shit one way or the other.
(I found the following tidbit in our local newspaper, The Edmonton Sun)
What Cats Mean
Miaow - Feed me
Meeow - Pet me
Mrooww - I love you
Miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
Miaowmiaow - Have you noticed a shortage of cat toys?
Mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture
Raowwwww - I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy
Mrowwwww - (Only heard in males). I am recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww - I am glad you have returned with your arms full of groceries. I will rub against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen
Mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you w0uld go and beat him up, I will keep your spot in the bed warm
Gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages have formed a hairball. I shall leave it here upon the carpeting for you
Mraakk - Oh, small bird! Please come here
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats
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